Monday, March 10, 2008


Yesterday Victoria and I wrestled with our new car seat and finally succeeded in getting it installed in our car. To succeed, however, we were met with angel-like resistance. The issue: our car, though compatible with all child safety regulations, is a bit begrudging about explaining how to take advantage of these features. For instance, there are "safety bars" the seat can clip onto. However, these bars are invisible and buried deep in the bowels of the seat, almost impossible to find. Our car's instruction manual has a page dedicated to the subject, and it reads:
"This car is compatible with most child safety seats. Refer to their manual, as all these seats install differently."
Yes, thank you car instruction manual. I am aware that, much like the colors of the rainbow, many products differ from each other. But other than treating the manufacturers like they are mistreated ethnic minorities, you have a goddamned metal bar in you somewhere and I'd love if you could point me in the general direction.

Eventually we found the fucking thing in the 20° weather and installed the seat. Though this was just the most successful in a series of compatibility issues we have had with baby products. You see, there are an infinite number of products, and the various manufacturers have nothing but contempt for each other. Much as Mac and PC make products for each other with thinly veiled contempt (Have you ever used Microsoft Office for Mac? Every time you use it you can feel how your document/email/spreadsheet is meant to be a flaming shit placed on Steve Jobs' front stoop.) everything is made by competing companies.

Changing tables are made in sizes that no changing table mattress is designed for, a fun discovery we solved with a bassinet mattress.

The cutest mobiles in the world only work on 5% of cribs because of insane, non-adjustable railing restrictions. That's right, I am already one of those parents who writes scathing reviews of children's products. If I believed in a god I would shriek "lord help me".

I am lucky, however. A coworker of mine named Pete just emailed everyone to let us know his twins were born very early, weighing in at about 2 pounds each. They are doing great, but it was a reminder this morning that all my problems are luxuries, and I am expecting a large, oft-kicking and oft-punching girl who is now officially full term.

That's right, Victoria became "full term" on Saturday, which basically means that though her biological clock is supposed to release the baby in 19 days it will come out just as healthy now as it would at the end of the month. I may have few days left as a non-parent. Stay tuned.

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