Thursday, March 27, 2008

Anxious

A cool piece of advice I recently heard was:

"Enjoy life before the baby, and enjoy life after the baby."

Except... we're ready. I'm hardly making any plans with anyone in anticipation. When rarely made plans get canceled, I have to say "well... I don't know when we'll do this then!" And in response I get a slow blink and then a sigh of realization- they'd forgotten how rare that plan was for me. Everything present tense is blurry. People keep asking if I'm excited. If I'm scared. If I'm ready. Of course I am all these things. I'm catching the same friends asking me if I'm "excited" for the third time in a week, and surely they're as sick of asking as I am sick of answering.

People try to make plans with me on or right near the due date, forgetting. Not many of my friends have babies, but I imagine it's hard to remember a friend's due date. You know their life will completely change, but when it will seems to slip everyone's minds.

Sometimes I try to make plans for the future, well beyond the due date, and people say "Don't worry about all that! You'll have a baby!" But... I want to make plans! I want to do things in the future! But people talk to me like the future is folly, kind of like I will be dead. Thanks, I plan on being highly functional and alive if I can help it.

There's lots of stuff I won't have done before the birth of my child. I will not have seen some movies yet. I will not have read certain books, played certain video games, gone to certain places. These events are too big to squeeze in now, but I still want to do them, so I imagine myself doing them with a child. It seems within reason. But for some reason the vision of me visiting London, New York, playing Grand Theft Auto IV, it's all unfinished. There's a baby shaped blur sitting next to me in the vision. I know it's a her, I think. I know what outfits she might be wearing. But I don't know how big she will be, the color of her hair, or what her face looks like. But there she is in all my plans, plans I can't realize, plans friends and family are nervous to realize.

We're ready. We're ready. We're ready.

Two of us, anyway.

2 comments:

Crescent said...

So Dan...are you excited? hahahahahahaahhaha I kid I kid.

Of course you aren't.

AHAHahahahahahh I kid some more!

Here's hoping you aren't using my baby names. For YOUR sake.

anne katherine lesser said...

I'm excited to hear about the baby being born, does that count? Serious this summer keep me in mind for babysitter...i am awesome with newborns...over winter break I took care of a three month old a few times...she was ADORABLE!
-AKL-